Monday, December 21, 2009

Better days

I went to St. Mary's for mass yesterday and it was a beautiful experience. The atmosphere was so serene and the candles somehow made me feel closer to God. There was a large crucifix depicting the Lords Crucifixion against a stain glass window. The priest asked us to remember who touched our lives like Mary the mother of God, and I could only think of one person, and it's a man! I'm still not sure if I should let him know that I think of him that way! St. Mary's also provides a dinner and food hampers so I was fortunate enough to partake in that as well.

I tried my hand at pan handling for the first time today and I made five dollars. It is embarrassing, but I try to keep it positive. Most people won't look you in the eye. Today I will be emailing out resumes and hoping for the best. It is so close to Christmas so I don't know how fortunate I'll be. I am almost one hundred percent sure that I will get my Christmas wish of a hotel room granted, so I have a lot to be thankful for this Christmas.

Saturday, December 19, 2009

Depression

It's like the blackest of black covers my soul, accompanied by waves of emotional pain, it's a sorrow that I find hard to put into words. I can't seem to even string words together to properly form a sentence. When I start to feel better it's like the world seems a little bit brighter, I can dream and imagine things that make me happy. Colours seem more vibrant, I'm happy for the things that I've been given and I have more hope for the future. I take medicine for my depression, and I truly believe it to be a life saver in my case. There was a time when I actually wished for death and I prayed for God to take my life. I can definitely understand the depth of inner hell that leads to actual suicide.

I feel inspired again, like no matter what my financial situation is I'm going to make it. Hopefully I can help someone out there who feels like they have no hope in this world see that there is something to live for, and that people really do care. I have witnessed the aftermath of suicide and I believe that it is a selfish and desperate act. Murdering this life that God gave me is not an option!

Friday, December 18, 2009

So low

I am extremely low on funds so I started bottle picking today, and someone sitting at a bus stop looked me in the eye and started laughing at me, like it couldn't happen to him. I certainly do believe that things will improve for me soon. Some of the greatest artists and most successful people in the world have suffered poverty. My hands are shaking and I'm really upset, but I know that I have to be strong and put my faith and trust in God. Just because I'm homeless doesn't mean that I am a bad person, it just means that I'm a work in progress, like an unfinished work of art.

Thursday, December 17, 2009

On the news

Yesterday was an incredibly eventful day for me. My friend Louise who works in administration on the sixth floor of the drop in center set up an opportunity to speak to the media about my Christmas wish. The Christmas wish list is very special to me because it doesn't just lend a helping hand to people like me but it demonstrates the caring actions that the people of this great city are taking to help out the homeless. I feel ashamed to say that I can't even remember the names of the camera man or the charming lady who interviewed me. They were professional and considerate, and I'm so thrilled that I had a chance to represent so many other clients at the drop in center.

I had a chance to visit intox last night and I saw people who no other shelter would ever take. The smell made me lightly nauseous, but I so admire the people who work night after night in that environment. I can't even imagine being so far gone in my alcoholism or drug addiction that I didn't care enough about myself to keep myself clean. Could you even conceptualize feeling like the inferior person when you go out in public? Having people point and laugh at you because of your dingy clothes and helpless slavery to your drug of choice? I am so happy that the drop in center is so inclusive, and I'm so glad for everyone that I've met there.

Tuesday, December 15, 2009

Homeless in Calgary

I have come so far from the place in my life where I felt that all hope was gone and I had lost everything in the world. My greatest sadness is the misery that I see all around me. People with severe schizophrenia, the very old and the addicts who are truly at deaths door. There is the horrible smell of so many people who are in from the cold, covered in sweat and stench waiting to be fed in a place where time moves so slowly that it's almost as if it stands still. If it wasn't for the drop in center many of us would probably freeze to death. I could only imagine the pitiless numbing cold taking my life.

I feel so blessed that I'm not all alone in my poverty. I have so many people to talk to. My greatest joy is the people, and the compassion and generosity that they bless me with every day that I am trapped in this place. for example, a really nice lady who worked there gave me a beautiful hand knit hat and mittens that perfectly matches my jacket. One of my roommates and I go out for coffee all the time, and I even have a good friend that brings such sunshine to my soul that I can't even put it into words. So when I get on my knees to pray I am so appreciative to God for everything that has been given to me, that it almost nullifies the negative.